Anxiety Isn't Weakness
It's just a data point to inform you there is something to attend to
I had been looking forward to the trip for months.
This is me, trying to craft a happy face for my mum from Sicily.
Only that I wasn't happy. I was terrified and depressed.
It was one of the most challenging years. I left India under the scary circumstances of Covid spreading in 2020 and decided to work with my team from home. However, working remotely as a co-founder for an early-stage startup from a different time zone wasn't less tough.
After almost a year I was burned out. Even getting out of bed was a challenge. Leaving my startup was one of the most difficult and heartbreaking decisions I've made. I was secretly crying.
To recover and draw a thick line between my life as a co-founder and a new life (that I had no idea about yet), I booked a month-long trip to Sicily. Italy always felt like home, safe and familiar. I was looking forward to spending time with myself, the sea and a lot of gelato.
Only that it wasn't the old me.
As I arrived to the small city in the close vicinity of Etna I noticed that the streets were covered by thick sharp black ash. I looked up at the volcano and observed a big white cloud coming from the top. Oh wow, the volcano is active! A bit shocked at first, I was calming myself as usual: 'Volcano eruptions, this is exciting!'
Only that it wasn't the old me.
It happened on the third day. I was returning to the apartment, Etna's grey presence crushing under my feet. The air was heavy and damp, like before a heavy summer rain. Out of the blue, I started to feel like there is not enough oxygen in the air. I started to breathe heavily. But it didn't help!
I started to panic. I looked up at Etna. At bypassers. Everyone behaving normally. Only I can't breathe! My hands sweating. Chest pain. It must be a heart attack!
My mind was racing like a horse. Catastrophic scenarios were playing in my head. No one will help me here. I'm gonna die. I felt dizzy and almost fainted.
That's how a panic attack feels.
It didn't matter I was in a safe place. On a vacation. No obvious thread.
It didn't matter I was solo travelling for years. That I climbed a volcano in New Zealand. That I hiked in the thin air of the Himalayas.
Here I was, frightened to death in Italy.
My rational mind was switched off. I didn't know what was happening or how to control it.
The next days and nights were horrible. I was afraid to stay alone, to fall asleep, to simply be. Each day was a battle to fight the constant chatter in my head that it will happen again.
Until I reached out for help.
Unlike the old me.
The old me was ashamed of being 'weak'.
Ashamed to call my friends.
Ashamed to admit I have a serious problem.
Ashamed to acknowledge that I need help.
My therapist told me my panic attacks came from a prolonged period of stress. I was ignoring all the alarms my body was signalling.
I had to learn a lesson to understand that:
Mental distress doesn't happen to 'weak' people.
It is a sign that we are pushing too hard for too long.
It is a sign that there is something serious to attend to.
“The mind suffers, and the body cries out.”
- Cardinal Lamberto, The Godfather: Part III
I've learned that mental health struggles can happen to anyone, at any time. That it doesn't depend on our mental strength or resilience. Our mind and body are a complex system and we have to listen to the signs to take care of our health in due time.
It is a sign we are being too ‘strong’.
If you are experiencing or will experience something similar in the future, I wish you know that
Share what you are going through
The simple release of our emotions and sharing of our struggles with our partner, close friend, or anyone who can lend us an empathetic ear helps to ease the tension. We are social creatures, and being able to connect and receive compassion has a healing aspect on its own.
Ask for professional help
I believe there is no benchmark for entering the therapeutic or coaching relationship. If you struggle, you struggle, period. It doesn't need to be 'bad enough' to ask for help. The more you prolong your struggles the longer it will take to heal and get back on track.
Know you are not alone
The fact that your body and mind struggle is just another data point to inform you that there is something you have to change. You are not alone. Panic attacks affect around 264 million people globally.
Stay healthy and don't forget to reach out if needed. Here to support you.
___
Adela <3
Pictures:
Taormina, Sicily, personal album
Mount Etna, Sicily, personal album
Screenshot from The Godfather Part III by Francis Ford Coppola https://escapetoreality.org/2021/07/08/no-grace-for-michael-corleone/
Beautiful one! We are never alone. ❤️
Which body signals had you been ignoring?