What happens when you start to be honest with yourself

How to get unstuck by telling the truth. To ourselves.

Stuck in Vietnam

For five years, I was in a job that didn't provide me with any financial growth or source of learning. 

For ten years, I was in a relationship that diverged from my way of life and aspirations. 

I felt like on a hamster wheel, running in circles with no purpose. Deep down, I knew I wanted to leave, but I felt trapped, unable to make any move.

I was convincing myself that everything was fine.

That I should be content with what I had. I was telling myself that I couldn't change jobs or leave my partner because there was nothing better out there. That I have to stay where I am because persistence pays off. And things will get better.

All were lies.

“We are experts in lying to ourselves about ourselves. And we are stuck because we are not being honest to ourselves about ourselves.”

- Britt Frank, neuropsychotherapist and author of The Science of Stuck

The truth was that what kept me in the job was the stability it provided. I was scared to leave a safe nest even though it was itching.

The truth was that I didn't want to leave my partner because of the comfort it provided. It was hard to abandon the status and face the world alone.

Often, we find ourselves stuck in unfulfilling jobs, toxic relationships, or harmful habits because they offer us some advantages. These benefits may come in the form of stability, safety, comfort, a sense of worthiness, an ego boost, or even an escape from our problems and responsibilities. 

Until we acknowledge these hidden benefits, we remain stuck.

Admitting our need for comfort, safety, money or attention can be challenging. Because we want to keep our self-image intact, and perfect. It forces us to confront the scared, hurt, or desiring person within us. And that’s uncomfortable.

And, as long as the perceived benefits of our current situation outweigh the costs of change, we are not going to do anything about it. Change is costly.

For years, my dissatisfaction wasn't high enough. 

Until it piled up and a few things escalated. And I finally started to be honest with myself.

That I want more from life and that I have unfulfilled dreams and the current situation is not serving me anymore.  

And that honesty sparked an action.

I booked a trip I was postponing for years. Without my partner.

That single act of honesty set off a chain reaction that eventually led to a massive change.

“Stuck starts with unstuck the second we say yes to anything.”

- Britt Frank

By saying “yes” to something, I unstuck myself from stagnation.

I realized that embracing honesty, even when it's uncomfortable or frightening leads to self-awareness and ultimately, helps us to plan micro-actions that ignite change.

So the next time you feel stuck, maybe you can try to ask yourself:

• What are you not being honest about? 

• What benefits does your current situation provide? 

• What is the micro-step that you can take today towards change?

If you feel inspired I recommend exploring Britt Frank's work on the science of stuck.

Wishing your honesty will spark an action that takes you places.

___

Adela <3